Finding myself isolated

Once again I'm finding myself more isolated. After going to the doctor for a check up on the skin graft on my leg, I head to San Diego to visit family. My leg is healed, doc actually said, you should have emailed me a picture and saved the trip. Oh, well I really need to get out.
I feel really isolated, at home I'm really not a part of the family. I can't eat with the family, nor can I talk very well for sustained periods of time. I sound like an idiot. I know I'm experiencing some depression. I'm somewhat despondent. Mostly when I think about the future. I have brief periods of self talk about travel once I recover from this ordeal with the dreaded CANCER! I broke down to my daughter, she encouraged me to get help. I have been in counseling before and have benefited from it. I don't really want to visit family again. I know they all mean well, say I'm doing so well and staying strong. No one really gets it. No one really understands! I have lost so much, I'm the only one that can turn it around and not let it get me. It's not like I don't have fun or a good time, laugh. It's the low after the fun that gets me. Too much of a roller coaster ride for me, at this time in my life. I just don't want to be around people.
Heading home tomorrow after visiting my Dad in the desert. The wind blew madly upon arrival two days ago, and now it is blowing fiercely again. Time to go home and take care of paper work, and schedule pre-opt. with my primary physician.

Follow up Doctor Appt.

Well, I had a follow up with the swallow specialist last Friday, April 6, 2018. He wants to do surgery to remove part of the epiglottis to help me swallow easier, scheduled for June 14, 2018, Flag Day. A week after the surgery I will have another swallow study. Won't know the time till I call the Monday before the surgery. With the type of surgery I had (jaw replacement) it's common to have to resection the epiglottis to get it out of the way of the esophagus.

Currently, I'm at extended Stay America, in a reduced rate room, provided by American Cancer Society and Extended Stay America, I have a doctor appt. tomorrow to check on lower leg skin graft. It's all healed up so just a formality.

I have been having lots of feelings of isolation and depression lately. No one can really understand all the consequences of never being able to eat solid food again. I know I've been isolating my self also, I just don't want to be around people in general. We just don't realize how much our culture is focused on food, the preparation, smells, talking about it and of course eating it. I want to get involved in volunteering some but then I also want my freedom to go and travel more once I do recover. Also, very difficult to even try to talk to people.

Difficult times but I'll get through it. Helps just to put it down in writing.

Mad as HELL!!!

lots of references to food

There are so many references to food through out the day. From advertising to daily interactions with family and others. It's just a constant reminder of the situation I find myself. I may be on a feeding tube the rest of my life, WOW! I have really taken my health for granted, even though I've been battling this cancer for 20 years. I never really wanted it to interfere with my life. For the most part I lived my life. In hindsight, (ha ha ha) I know I would have done more, been more reckless. It has been small losses over many years, easy to accept and move on. Now the cumulative effect weighs heavy on me hourly, daily. At the same time I know I'm still healing. The nerves in my jaw are firing trying to reconnect, sometimes causing shooting pain.When I'm around people, family just making facial expressions cause my jaw to tense up. Not exactly a charlie horse, but the tension causes pain. I never understood when people around me would make the statement, your health is most important.

Walked by Faith, walking by faith, walking by .....

I have been walking by Faith all of my life. It has not always been easy. Heck life is not always easy. Most of my life has been blessed with family, education and making a decent living. I came out of a dysfunctional abusive childhood. Most of the time believing (FAITH) in something better to come. The glass is usually half full.
I have always used suicide as a coping mechanism, since I was 12 or 13 when things got hard. I now know that it was the only control I felt I had over the situation at the time. It was always an option well into my late 30's. With more wisdom, ha ha, now I know that suicide hurts too many people. I was saved from executing my plan one afternoon by a simple phone call. There was enough of a distraction to nix the plan.
Anger bubbles up occasionally. I made the choice to get rid of the pain and remove an aggressive tumor. There are days, I would choose to exercise my right to pass with dignity. I know I have purpose, just struggling, as many do, with what that is. It's too easy to see what I can't do, or have lost, then what I can do. Right now the hardest part is not knowing how it will turn out. In my head (self talk) I can talk just fine, It's when I open my mouth, just sounds so garbled. This is nothing compared to what others have gone through. It's just difficult. I have to accept the plan, however different it is from what I had envisioned. Positive affirmation, I will walk by FAITH!

A baby Boa

Just a quick post of a baby Boa Constrictor. I saw this on the way back from shopping. Just on the side of the road, we watched him for about a minute, then decided to get out the camera. Just as I was starting to take the shot he or she decided enough is enough I'm out of here, feel blessed to get the shot. Also, a random shot of the flower that is blooming which I watch the humming birds come to on a regular basis, just right there when I look up from my chair while reading. And a pic of my place in the jungle. fincabellavista.net

Gringo Domingo! (American Sunday)

I was able to go down to the river on the north side of the property fincabellavista.com for a swim.The first time I'd been down to Rio Piedras Blancas. It's a much bigger river than on the south side of the property, Rio Bellavista. The last part of the decent to the river was almost straight down. It paid off with a great access to the river, small pools and such to explore. The sun was right on the river for a short period, nice start to the day.

Back in Costa Rica

I have been back in Costa Rica for a week now. First thing I did was try to get the phone going at the airport, apparently an IPhone needs to be configured for Costa Rica. The Govt power and communications company can't do it or won't. So much fun! Looking forward to seeing how the new solar works at my jungle cabin. The next day I purchased groceries and refrigerator  and headed out to my place. After paying way too much for a cab, I plugged in the refrigerator, just my luck the one in the store that doesn't work. So another trip to town, oh well next week. I was able to exchange the refrigerator for another, more $'s for the a cab and yes the fridge works. However, after about six hours I noticed the warning light on the batteries was showing red. Well, we have had two and a half days of rain, we all know that if the sun doesn't shine on the solar panels, that the batteries don't get charged. I'm thinking propane refrigeration now. I'm enjoying the peace and quite of the rain forest. I'll head back to the States the end of September to be with family and do some traveling in the Midwest.

More solar

Last week I was able to visit family on the Central coast of California, San Luis Obispo County. On the way over I encountered a solar farm in construction. www.topazsolar.com & www.firstsolar.com These two links will take you to the web site to gain more information on the project. The project is on the Carriso Plain on route 58 going from Bakersfield, Ca. to San Luis Obispo, Ca. Route 58 is very desolate, you get an idea of how parts of the west were before so much population and all that comes with progress. You also have to make some sharp corners and jog back and forth around the property owners land. Back in the day the roads (wagon trails) didn't cut through a persons property they jogged around those 160 acre homesteads.When I went through there last October the construction hadn't started yet. As I remember, it was just happen stance that I took this route. Last Oct. I missed the exit for route 46 to Paso Robles. Well last week I was planning on going route 101 along the coast, beautiful drive. Some how I missed the exit for route 101 and continued on route 5 over the Grapevine. Of course there was construction going on and the signs were not as clear as they could be. Sometimes the best part of the journey can be getting there.

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TOPAZ SOLAR FARM

San Luis Obispo County, California, USA

Solar Array

Saw this and had to stop and take a look. It looks like this is an option for areas where the Sun does shine.

An update on this, I was testing a  post from my handheld device (I-phone) just a quick blurb. I needed to take more pictures of the actual solar panels. At this time I'm glad I caught the web site of the builder, www.blueoakenergy.com. You can go to the web site check out some of the projects they have done. It was somehow very intriguing to me to see a City setting aside land to power BART in the Bay Area, some 180 miles away.

Feeling Better

Well it's time to get back to the Blog. I have recovered from surgery. All the cancer was taken out. This is very good news. Enough of the tongue was taken to leave me with a speech impediment. Mainly it's the r's that are hard to pronounce. I think some of it possibly being lazy, and not wanting to move the tongue because was so painful for a bit of time, I'm looking forward to it getting better with time. Yesterday at the DMV (Dept. of  Motor Vehicles) I felt a little self conscious. I was there to take the test for Motorcycle permit. I did pass and was able to practice a little yesterday. Mostly I have been staying with my sister and her husband. Her grandchildren have been here for two weeks, having fun with them, going to the beach and just hanging out. Was able to see a lot of family during a little get together for the Grand nieces.

What adventure is in store for next week

Well the weekend before I was in Tn. visiting my daughter, and helped a military family paint and move to a new place. This last weekend I moved one of my other daughters, out of situation. Over all things went fairly smooth. There were a lot of what ifs going into the situation. It was very emotional for me to do this for my daughter. Family will always come first. I know there are things that we missed. However the circumstances and the emotions were too painful to continue. I remind myself that it is all just stuff, and health and happiness reign over possessions. At this point in time I look forward to my next adventure, what ever that may be.

Getting lost with GPS

I have been in the South (United States) visiting my  daughters. Before leaving Ga. I bought my self a new iPhone. Upon landing in San Diego, I caught a Taxi to an Urgent Med. to take care of a medical issue. Well I found my self in downtown San Diego, needing to get to Old Town to meet my brother and his wife for diner. I pull out the new phone, go to maps and start tracking my location and direction I'm moving. I go about ten blocks, thinking I'm heading toward the water. I sure thought I saw the water through those buildings. This doesn't look right. I stop and ask a passerby, "do you  know San Diego well"? She respones with "yes". "I'm going to Old Town which way should I go"? "Your walking"? "I live in Costa Rica I'm used to long walks". And of course she tell me to go back the way I came, and get down to the water and folllow Pacific Coast Hwy. It took about an hour and a half to get there. Welll worth the walk to get the exercise, since I'd been on three flights to get to San Diego. San Diego is such a beautiful city.

Toucans

Just a couple of photos taken at friends house in Sierpe, Costa Rica, last month.

Another side of Arenal

 Coauti

 With cloud

 Lake Arenal

 Ginger

 Without cloud

Somewhat of a self portrait

A small side trip to the other side of Arenal Volcano. Mark a Canadian drove from Ontario, Canada. He is on his way to Tiera del Fuego. The link to his blog, web site www.25kwithoutmonday.com. It's a large site takes a while to get all the pictures. Anyway a small hike, probably the last before I head home on Thursday 4/26/12.

Learning experience

Well I learned something I've been wanting to know when I got on the wrong bus yesterday. I learned that the 9:50am Trocopa bus out of Palmar Norte uses the coast route to San Jose. It still takes the same amount of time, approximately five hours. It does stop for a lunch break north of Uvita 25 minutes and another short break about two hours later. It just happened to be the one time I didn't ask the driver if he was going where I was going. Most buses out of Palmar go through San Isidro. He obviously didn't look at my ticket very closely. I went to San Jose for half price, I only paid to go to San Isidro what a deal. So the eight $ diner at KFC made up for it. I love the excuse to come back to La Fortuna, although it is a bit warm (the fan is on), had some lunch when I got here, will get diner in a couple of hours. As I found out last time I was here and headed back to San Jose that the bus from La Fortuna goes by the Int'l Airport on the way to San Jose so will save $25 on a taxi to the airport when I head to the States on Thursday the 26th. Looking forward to seeing family in the States.

Update on the upgrade

They finished the railing this am as I was leaving for San Isidro. However, getting on the wrong bus gets you to a different town, oh well, it gives me an excuse to go back to La Fortuna, Costa Rica. I was able to do my exercises, yoga this am before I left. Will be in La Fortuna for four days then come back to San Jose to fly home, the States to visit family. Big shout out to the construction crew at Finca Bella Vista. fincabellavista.com

Getting an upgrade

I'm adding a deck, and doing other improvements. Today the clear fiberglass roof structure goes on.

Chg. in Lat. chg. in Attitude

While in the shower the other day, there was a jumping spider on the shower curtain. Well I just let him be. When I first was here in Costa Rica I chased those spiders out of the house, when I could catch them.

Up a tree

So I hear the raccoon equivalent the Coauti going up the plantain tree in the morning. Of course the camera is not ready. He's checking the ripeness every morning so tomorrow. Well to dark the next am. Then yes, I think I finally got a good picture. I had pondered harvesting the plantains before I left to go traveling last month. Well, glad I left them. It was great to see them go to the wild life. This is at my place at www.fincabellavista.com.